Thursday, December 18, 2008

When the End Approaches

Circle Dance

You dance circles in my heart,
Round and round you spin
But you never go anywhere.

I wonder if you know
The direction you are headed.
The direction that you want to go?
The direction that I want to go?

Laughing, crying… trying to find our way,
Through the kisses and passion
Trying to find something solid
To place our footing
Our foundation… to build something lasting.

Yours, mine… different but so alike
A fusion of two different worlds
The potential for greatness,
A weakness that could be crippling.

Where will this dance take me,
The dizzying circles are tiring
And still I may be ready for more.
But are you willing to release the crazy cycle and go forward?

by Melanie Sargent

I wrote that poem a few months ago when I realized that the man I married was, although a very good man, wasn't the right man for me. I desperately wanted him to be. I looked deeply into everything that offered hope, offered a solution. But, try as I might, the end came and my brief marriage dissolved much like a mirage, at the moment that I had been finally believing it to be real.

I look now at the kaleidoscope of warnings that came to me with fleeting bits of clarity. I knew, and then I denied what I knew. I told myself to follow my intuition, it would guide me. But, I doubted what I was learning. Really, it scared me and I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that he was the man he said he was.

My intuition told me through my dreams that we were a mismatched pair. I would awaken with anxiety and a troubled heart several times a week throughout our nearly two year relationship. Occasionally, I would have a pleasant dream with him in it, but mostly they were disturbing. They would dictate to me the differences in our values, the way we viewed the world. Sometimes it would come in the form of a gross betrayal, other times it would be more subtle.

Now, I am not suggesting that if you have a dream or two about your spouse cheating that they are in fact cheating on you! No, rather I am implying that your subconscious mind is trying to get your attention, especially if you are having the dreams on a regular basis. It may be worth your time to write about them. Not only the details you remember from the dream, but also the feelings that it provoked before and then throughout your day as you reflect upon it.

You may notice that you are just the casual observer and that what you are seeing doesn't offend you. You may see yourself react in a way that isn't normal for you. For example, in the past sometimes I would find myself getting really angry and confrontational and suddenly know triple black belt level karate and kick some serious ass! I would awaken from those dreams feeling exhausted and empowered that I could handle a situation if it should arise. No, I couldn't just perform that level of skill, but if that dream was speaking in metaphor, as they often do, I could relate it to another area in my life in which I was feeling out of control or weak, and I could see the relationship and know that inside of me I did own the power to handle the situation!

And that, is precisely what you can gain from paying attention to your dreams. In my specific instance with my husband, I was finding that over and over I was giving up my personal power and ideals in different ways in order to submit to him. Ultimately, it emphasized how out of balance we were as a couple. When you have to consistently dis empower yourself in order to show love or be loved by your partner, it isn't healthy and it won't honor the best in either of you.

And, just like the soap opera always says, "Like sands through the hour glass, these are the days of our lives." Moving on, moving forward and hopefully learning from our mistakes. Even enough to recognize that some things we may initially classify as mistakes, such as my soiled marriage, are really not mistakes, just stepping stones to take us to where we are supposed to be heading.